Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
