glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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