she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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