He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
