i think my mom watched the whole time
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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