Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
