I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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