i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
