She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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