my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
