Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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