Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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