So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize