3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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