I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
