I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
