i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
