I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
