She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
