dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
