you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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