I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
