he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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