I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
