just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
