don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize