can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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