You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
