I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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