I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
