You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
