I've blown a few things in my day
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
