Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
