I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
