my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize