I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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