Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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