none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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