3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
