his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
