but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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