I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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