textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
