i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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