I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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