why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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