I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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