that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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