My Higher Power is John Stamos
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
