We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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