Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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