He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wish you could order shots online.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
