I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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