He kissed a someone with a penis
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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