Porn is love you can see.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
