I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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