I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Randomize