If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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