textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
