I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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