Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
