he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
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