So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
