my shit smells like andre
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
