Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
last night I used snow as a chaser
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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