Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
