So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
