I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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