My friends, they love my intelligence
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
