Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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