Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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