rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
