y did u give ur computer a hand job?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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